So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will fight without danger in battles. If you know only yourself but not your opponent, you may win or you may lose. If you know neither yourself or your enemy, you will endanger yourself.
Sun Tzu - The Art of War.
I've never seen such a man, capable of hiding so many emotions. The way he sews frustration into a beret or is angered at the whisper of a sigh. His actions when he sleeps are louder than any words he's ever spoken. The pain for a lost loved one will never compare to the trust and mateship he feeds from and to his comrades.
A soldier is only part man. They train to work like machines. Routine clockwork. As a civilian, i cannot change what he has learnt nor try to take away any horror he has foreseen. Although they may not think it, they seem immortal but broken.
Pride and honor. Only two of the many words used to describe our heroes. I am proud of my hero. However, as a partner, everyday living is different to those who justify normal as being in a secure job. Where the only risks are mechanical error and or repetitive strain and injuries. Soldiers deal with those risks and more. My position allows only for worry and comfort. We cannot ask them to ease up or quit. Their job is a passion, it is their choice.
Myself at times have felt alone. It only proved selfishness. I never did consider the thought of other partners, who either feel the same and or have lost their heroes. My story is about guilt, questions i wanted answered. Am I worthy enough for a soldier? Can i cope being here for someone who needs me only when it suits them? Will he still love me when i find it hard?
These questions are self answered. Friends and family have spoken of my confidence and strength. I believe them and have answered those questions. My guilt, my real question is; What gives me doubt to ask such things? Why out of any relationship is this one any different and how do we overcome these thoughts to become better people, not only for ourselves but the people around us.
I now know you shouldn't need to be 'worthy'. Just honest to yourself and others. I am confident and strong. I can cope with being there for others. It's not when it suits them, it's when they need us most. I am independent. My partner has continued to love me though my hazy days, the bad and the worst. A relationship was meant for two people to become one, why did i worry about the future and past when i could have focused on making the present something beautiful?
Some would call my concern for a relationship (being at such a young age) fear. False evidence appears real. I simply used Blind Faith; to pull something part, just ensure that it's still working.
My mum always suggested writing down my frustrations, even if i was to tear up the paper. It somewhat helped me. She was right, again. Even though no one was listening I felt like i was being heard. Now i want others to read, to relate and mostly, to understand.
Over the last year and a half I have been distant, moody and somewhat self consumed. I've bitched and whined about nitty gritty nonsense issues that effected only me. To stand back and think about my words and actions was never heard of in my books. Live for the moment! But I've caused heartache to those who believe and look up to me. I felt like a constant failure.
To be continued...
